


Atë

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fourth Shinobi War, M/M, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/428175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hindsight is 20/20.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atë

**Author's Note:**

> written for and first posted at naruto_meme on LJ, prompt was "I'd have said yes if you'd called it a challenge."

The two of them in their flimsy tent. Kakashi and Gai are sitting on the ground.

Kakashi's fingers are lingering on the inside of his right wrist while he helps Gai bandage his hand.

"Next time you may want to look where you're throwing yourself to do your push-ups," he says conversationally.

It's not Gai's fault that the ground is split and littered with shrapnel from battles everywhere, he still needs to train. He wants to say so, but…

But although Kakashi is done bandaging, his hand isn't moving away. He's holding Gai's wrist in a light grip, his thumb smoothing over the bandaged palm.

Transfixed, Gai stares at that pale thumb, almost as white as the bandage, drawing concentric circles like ripples on water. Cause and effect.

"Gai… " Kakashi's voice barely penetrates his daze. When he looks up, he sees that his rival's thoughtful gaze is on him, not on the hand he's holding. Maybe Kakashi doesn't even realize what he's doing with his thumb. One of them should clear his throat and move away to put a more adequate distance between them.

Whatever is considered adequate for a General and his… and Gai doesn't even know what he is to Kakashi. How does Kakashi think of him? He never uses the word "rival".

There are lines visible around Kakashi's eye; they're new. If his own reflection wasn't so far away, so small and indistinct in the black disk that is Kakashi's pupil, Gai fears he might make out lines on his face as well. It shouldn't be that bad; they're just mirroring Kakashi's after all, right?

As if in slow-motion, Gai can see Kakashi's mouth open. Thanks to the dark cloth of the mask it is discernible only in the slight movement of his chin, but Gai has become used to having to look underneath the underneath constantly.

Kakashi's grip tightens. His eye expresses a gentleness that the sum of its parts – black pupil on white, framed by black lashes − should not be able to hold.

Kakashi is going to say something profound.

Gai blushes; it feels like a spray of hot vapor settling on his cheeks. Thankfully, the sun-lit canvas of their tent casts a green glow over everything.

And then the tent flap is flung open with a _slap_ and Lee barges in with an apology and a message.

They don't jump apart.

Kakashi just lets go of Gai's hand. Getting up, he claps Gai on the shoulder and says, "Be careful. I'll talk to you later."

They go to their separate battles.

***

Mid-punch Gai feels a little sting as the cut on his palm reopens.

Things go downhill from there.

***

 

When he gets back to camp, covered in blood and with little more to give, he learns that the General was reported MIA.

So he skips the long discussion about who's in charge of their division now and just grabs whoever is nearest to go on a search for Kakashi.

 

***

Gai runs, he even outruns his makeshift team, he runs behind enemy lines because he knows that's where he'll find Kakashi.

And Kakashi will be alive when he finds him, he knows that too.

***

 

Gai's not wrong.

After he had been separated from the rest of his division, Kakashi had apparently hidden in order to wait for a chance to sneak back into friendly territory undetected. Alerted by the ruckus Gai is causing, Kakashi comes out of his hiding place.

 

***

"I thought I sent you to the other division," Kakashi greets Gai tersely.

He may not act like someone who needs rescuing, but Gai has known him long enough to be able to see what's underneath the cool welcome. He laughs, high on unexpected relief.

"You did. The enemies weren't much of a challenge for Konoha's Sublime Green Beast!" he calls over his shoulder. In front of him there's another pesky little batch of enemies that needs taking care of.

For a while they fight in an awkward silence, punctuated by the occasional scream or crunch of breaking bone. Then Gai sees an enemy going for Kakashi's back and he jumps, without thinking, into the trajectory line of his shuriken, deflecting the attack with a kunai.

Kakashi's back is pressing into his.

"You know…,'" Kakashi murmurs at him over his shoulder as they're standing back to back in the killing fields. "I would have said yes … But only if you'd called it a challenge." He can hear the smile in Kakashi's voice. It's the most random throwaway comment at the worst time, and Gai has no idea what he's talking about. But their enemies are closing in and, no matter how much he wants to, there's no time to ask.

They're in the middle of a war and there's fighting to be done.

***

 

Out of the corner of his eye Gai sees Kakashi stumble. Mid-turn he catches the metallic glint of whatever has pierced his friend's thigh. Two are already in Kakashi's vicinity; they're more than ready to take this chance.

Kakashi rolls awkwardly, trying to get back on his feet, and Gai takes stock of the number of enemies surrounding them. He takes in the pallor of Kakashi's skin that shines through streaks of dirt and spatters of blood. He sees the way Kakashi puts his weight his other leg while the cloth of his pants darkens around the wound.

It's time.

***

 

There is no pain in the world that compares to what opening the gates feels like. Gai knows that because he is an expert when it comes to pain.

He can't count the times he's broken a bone or been cut or stabbed. He has suffered burns, from both fire and ice – and discovered that, in the end, the differences between the two are negligible. He knows the hollow ache of starvation, as well as the dusty fever of thirst.

His experiences are documented crudely in a fine grid of scars all over his body. Every year it grows.

Opening the gates, however, leaves no scars, at least the act in itself doesn't. And yet.

And yet, it feels like it should. Like all his old wounds are breaking open simultaneously, like his blood is boiling in his veins. It feels like he's being torn apart slowly. By all means, cracks should be snaking up his bones, his blood vessels should rupture and every fiber of muscle should snap one by one.

But Gai pushes through this torture. The ground beneath his feet may shake and crack; leaves may be torn off nearby trees, but Gai's will doesn't falter. Because that's what it is, Gai thinks. The secret of the forbidden technique is sheer, indomitable determination. It's why so few can master it, why even the most talented shinobi fail when they try to push past the first gate.

Gai has determination; for the longest time he's had _nothing_ but determination.

***

 

Seen through the blank white eyes of the beast, the world is a different place.

It's brighter, for one thing. The first moment always feels as if he had lived his life in complete darkness up until that point. As if he'd been blind and only now could finally see.

And he can see _everything_. Every leaf on every branch of every tree. The small beetle that sits on a tree trunk motionlessly, one little leg in the air, caught in the middle of its insignificant motion, the sun reflecting off its shiny shell.

Just as caught are Kakashi and their enemies. Kakashi with one hand braced on his non-injured leg awkwardly doubled over, two enemies already at his sides, kunais raised. To Gai it's like looking at a picture, their movements are so slow.

Gai is there in less than a heartbeat. He plucks enemy number one away from Kakashi like he'd pluck a flower – he can feel the bones in the man's neck give under his fingers, as if they're nothing but dry wood −and tosses him aside carelessly.

Number two's mouth hangs open, but his mind hasn't had the time to catch up. The terror hasn't arrived in dull eyes when a roundhouse kick from Gai rearranges his organs into a new pattern that his skin cannot contain properly anymore. On impact, branches of blood emerge, growing slowly out of the falling body. Spatters of it will hit Kakashi's face in what, to Gai, is the distant future.

Kakashi can't even see him now; it's like they're in different worlds. Were Gai to touch Kakashi in his state, he'd leave burns on his rival's skin.

Kakashi inhales sharply and Gai is gone.

 

***

He gets it now. That line from earlier.

" _I'd have said yes if you called it a challenge"_

Kakashi bandaging his hand in their tent. That pregnant pause.

Gai smiles to himself.

Possibilities.

 

***

" _I challenge you to…" Gai swallows his nervousness and forces his most brilliant smile, "a kissing contest!"_

 

***

Gai runs towards the next group of enemies. His body is singing. When this is over…

***

 

_It could be a challenge to a wrestling match out on the training grounds. Kakashi would agree to that._

_They'd roll around in the grass for a while. Grunting, then laughing, but never stopping the fight for dominance._

_It would be a mild, picturesque day. Temperatures around them nothing compared to the heat building between their bodies. Eventually Kakashi's hands would end up on the backs of his thighs._

***

 

The first one dies soundlessly, except for the crack of his skull against Gai's knuckles. The second one's last breath leaves his body in a wheezing rush, as Gai kicks in his chest. The third one doesn't die at all; his clone dissolves with a _puff_.

 

***

" _It's a competition of endurance and stamina!"_

_And Kakashi would say, in that wry tone of his, "Hmm, is that what the kids are calling it now?"_

 

***

Gai whips around. On the horizon he can see a chain of little figures, like a child's paper cutout.

 

***

" _Kakashi!" Gai could have yelled confidently, giving his eternal rival his most dynamic thumbs-up. "I challenge you…" Obligatory Dramatic Pause! "…to go on a date with me!" He'd have whipped out the flowers hidden behind his back then. And Kakashi would have said—_

***

 

Kakashi exhales; his breath forms a ghostly little cloud. Gai can just about make it out as he looks at him over his shoulder. Kakashi is looking back at him. Now that Gai is standing still they can finally both see each other. Gai smiles at him.

Then he turns back to the army on the horizon, and his smile becomes a feral grin.

As he gives Kakashi a thumbs-up – an outstretched right arm against the backdrop of the sun sinking behind a line of enemies – Gai swears to himself that, in the next life, he won't be a coward, who's too afraid to make the first move before it's too late.

Next time he'll die without regrets.

 

***

Gai falls backwards, trailing ribbons of blue smoke, which dissolve into the blood-red sky. Dying is surprisingly easy and painless, it seems.

The world drops away from him even as he drops toward the world. Humanity has him in its grip again. He had hoped he wouldn't have to experience being confined by it again; he had hoped opening the eight gates would kill him before that.

But the gates are closed or broken or something, Gai really doesn't know, he never paid much attention during class; he tried, but there were always so many other things on his mind, and being forced to sit still was like torture to him.

The wind rushes past him, cooling his overheated body. Gai feels light and tranquil for once, not laden with hopes – his own and, these days, Lee's− not restlessly driven by ambition. He has reached one of his goals and that has to be enough for now. Falling like this, seeing only the shredded clouds and the charred bits of formerly green spandex fluttering into and out of his field of vision, he can almost accept that.

Gai braces himself for the impact that will come, inevitably, and shatter what little is left of him into a thousand pieces.

When it comes, it's not what it was supposed to be.

***

 

Something soft and flexible slams into him from the side just after the first tree branches have whipped him or snapped under his weight. Gai's nostrils fill with the biting smell of charred flesh, and then the impact with the ground does come, but much softer than expected, and then they're rolling through the grass.

Gai is nauseous and can't breathe properly, but that seems unimportant now, because Kakashi is on top of him, pulling frantically on his vest. And the look in those mismatched eyes breaks Gai's heart.

He has felt that kind of despair before.

Kakashi leans a little closer.

***

 

" **Me, me, me," Gai shouts, waving his right arm in the air like a sailor signaling distress at sea. "Pick me, Sensei!"**

" **Ah," Sensei says. He looks at the class with discomfort, as if he just realized that he's stepped into something unpleasant. "Actually, I think for this particular demonstration I need someone a little more… um…" he stops there, but Gai has already heard the unspoken word. His hand falls to his side lifelessly, then his fingers clench on their own accord until his nails dig into the bandages.**

" **Maybe Kakashi-kun? Could you come to the front, please, Kakashi?"**

**And Kakashi gets up with a shrug, eyes forward, not even one glance wasted on Gai. Everyone else is looking at him though, some more obviously than others.**

**Gai's lower lip wobbles; he bites down hard to punish it for its weakness. He won't cry.**

**He _won't_. **

**Then Kakashi brushes past him and it strikes Gai how small he is. He's four and Gai is five and the difference shouldn't be this enormous, but it is. Kakashi is so small and delicate and every one of his movements seems carefully planned and executed, and his skin is like milk. It's so smooth and unmarred.**

**And Gai sees himself in comparison. Tall for his age and awkward, limbs flailing everywhere, constantly stumbling or knocking things over. He's always covered in scrapes and bruises, and yet his training and his progress seem fruitless compared to where Kakashi stands.**

**Kakashi is a genius. He's perfect.**

**It's not fair.**

**There's a painful explosion of heat inside his chest; it spreads to his face within a single blink of his stinging eyes. Gai can't hold back anymore.**

**He hates Kakashi so much it hurts.**

**He turns away abruptly, just before the first tear spills over. He has to get away, but the door is on the other side of the classroom; he'd have to get past Sensei.**

**Gai runs for the windows instead. He rips one open and jumps out into the cool morning air. Behind him his teacher is screaming his head off and the class erupts into laughter.**

 

***

_Closer_

Gai wishes he could read Kakashi's lips or even just see the lower part of his face, but Kakashi's mask is still in the way. Kakashi is talking to him, but Gai can't hear anything over the ringing in his ears. He can only make out the small movements of Kakashi's jaw, the way the mask billows just slightly when Kakashi is shouting.

Kakashi sags forward. His shoulders rise and fall quickly, as if breathing was the easiest thing in the world. It's not that easy for Gai.

He takes an anguished breath that rips into his lungs like a knife, and Gai knows that this was the last one he will ever manage.

Kakashi cups his cheek with one hand. His glove is wet with blood; it will leave a red smear on Gai's face. Maybe there will be a full handprint.

Kakashi leans even closer. Their foreheads almost touch now. There's movement under the cloth of the mask, but no sound in Gai's ears but the endless swoosh of ebb and tide.

Gai feels helpless.

 

***

" **Leave it alone," Kakashi says wearily like it's a moot point anyway. But it's not. This is about Gai's honor.**

" **It's not your decision!" He knows he'll make the cut too. Kakashi is just jealous, well, maybe not jealous because he already is in ANBU, but he feels threatened.** **Because Gai is catching up to him fast.**

" **You're just not ANBU material, believe me, I know."**

**Gai is outraged. He is speechless with it. The arrogance, the gall of him! This attitude is so typical for Kakashi. And he knows that if Kakashi vetoes him vehemently enough, he really won't be transferred to ANBU.**

**This is the worst. He's going to give him a piece of his mind about that at least, even if there's nothing else he can do, he can at least tell Kakashi what he thinks of him.** **But before he can Kakashi speaks up again.**

" **Look, I have no use for a rival who doesn't know his own strengths and who is too gutless to defy people's expectations of him and follow his own heart;" Kakashi shrugs nonchalantly. "If you really want to join ANBU, fine. But if you only do this because you're so insecure that you think you have to prove something, then this rivalry ends here."**

**And he turns away and goes without another word, leaving Gai speechless for a whole different reason.**

 

***

_Closer_

There is so much Gai still wants to say, to do, to see, but they're almost out of time.

***

 

" **Don't let them separate you from the rest of your division," Gai hears Kakashi's voice through the thin canvas wall of the tent. "Stay together."**

**He smiles a little, despite everything, around the bandage clamped between his teeth.**

**A shadow flickers over the canvas, then Kakashi sticks his head in.**

**He raises his eyebrow at the sight of Gai trying to bandage his own right hand.**

" **Feeling nostalgic?" he asks merrily.**

" **Hmfhmf," Gai spits out the bandage and tries again. "I cut my hand while I was steeling my body for upcoming battles." He holds it up, so Kakashi can see the small wound. "It's nothing."**

**Kakashi sighs long-sufferingly, and comes into the tent. "What did I tell you about unnecessary training?" he asks, sitting down opposite Gai.**

" **There is no such thing as unnecessary training," Gai grumbles, but Kakashi isn't listening. He has already grabbed his wrist, and is busying himself with the disinfectant, and Gai finds himself enjoying the moment too much to say anything else.**

***

 

With his free hand Kakashi pulls his mask down. The darkening red sky has settled its weight comfortably on his trembling shoulders. Gai can just about make out a tantalizing glimpse of white teeth between Kakashi's slightly parted lips.

He wishes he could pull him close or at least lift his head or something, but his lungs are on fire, and he can't even bring his chest to rise.

 _Hurry,_ he wants to say, because the sky is turning black. And that black is creeping closer to Kakashi; it's hovering around the tips of his hair, it's eating into his shoulders.

Gai is holding on with all his might, forcing his eyes to stay open to stare pleadingly into Kakashi's anguished, wet red and black – more and more black – ones.

Kakashi's breath trembles across Gai's lips.

Almost.

Just a little more.

Just a little lo


End file.
